Panchito‘s Diary

Once a friend told me that I could avoid financial stress by saving money.

-How should I save money when im literally in negatives? Every cent I get is to pay bills and if I get some extra its to cover debts.

Once my dad also commented on me buying a guitar and telling me I should have waited.

-I waited since I was 10, are 12 years not long enough to finally have my own music instrument?

I saw the term “doom consumerism” as a sign of late stage capitalism. “if everything is fucked, then why not just buy nice things”

I felt kinda called out, but I knew this was more complex than that. Because it might be new for the people sinking into the financial hierarchy, from mid to low class. But that was my reality my whole life, in Ecuador and even now in Germany.

—

The first time I ate outside with my own money was on my first date, I was 15 and have the whopping amount of 5 dollars. But the big ass burrito costed 6 and ive already spent some money on the arcades. The person that I was out with, paid for the rest and also a Fanta for me. This person also told me that I dont have to payback but if I wanted, I could take the bill next time. It literally took me half a year to get 5 Dollars. So I did not asked for a second date for another half a year until I got enough to pay for a big mac or something for both of us. I also walked home like 2 hours because I had not enough money for the bus and was too ashamed to explain the situation. Similar situations happened my whole life. Ive stolen money from people I was dating to have enough money to get back home or to be able to afford to visit them back. Because it was more hurtful to admit that I am financially struggling, than taking money without consent from the people I loved.

“Shameful” is an accurate way of describing my relationship with finances for most of my life.

When my friend told me I should “save” money I felt ashamed of not being able to.

When my dad told me to “wait” I felt ashamed of not being able to.

Nobody ever told me that it’s okay to be “financially poor” that they understand my situation. No, it always came critisism and that hurt. It still brings me to tears when I remember those kind of moments.

I bought that guitar and produced an album, used it for some years and then sold it very cheaply to an aspiring musician, actually offered to gift it to some people before that, but I had to pay for food.

I hate money, but I like guitars.

I despise dollars, but love mechanical cameras.

Loans dont let me sleep well, but I enjoy painting with my quality watercolours.

For a long time I could not separate me enjoying art, tools and craftsmanship from luxury and capitalism.

It help me to hear a friend comment over them mom. “She’s a princess that likes nice things, when there was no nice things around to buy, she made them, when there way nice things around to buy, she got many”. I felt relieved when I saw I was not alone.

It’s okay to aspire to enjoy the objects that u use. I dont “consume-shame” anybody (I actually criticise it very hardly when its immoral, but never shame) because I fucking enjoy my iPad while despising Apple, I feel good playing my 400 Euro Bass while have broken shoes. I enjoy every part of the creative process. That also includes the tools.

The stick and rope, the hatchet and knife, the basket and clothes, all of this tools helped humanity to secure better lifestyles and I am sure there is a lot of people like me and you that love to create. But now creativity is over a paywall that I feel ashamed of having gone through.

Im fucking sorry that I had to over-eat at the restaurant I work at, to save money to fucking pay my rent. Im sorry that Ive stolen rice from my roommates when I was sick and could work. Im (not) fucking sorry that I live month to month!

—

But instead of keep on feeling this anger and shame in a vicious cycle, I am working on getting out of it.

how? not reciprocating the dread that I’ve lived with my whole life. Sharing the little I have. Living a good life.

Because my suffering is not worth any cent. The suffering of anybody is not worth any dollar.

I won’t work my life away to pay the sins of my ancestors, this being not being white and just live in America (America is a continent not a country, fight the USA). I ve inherited the cast of my ancestors, that today can be identified by my rights, bank account and skin color.

I dont want to see my way of consuming as a kind of “doomed consumption” but as an “optimistic trade”. I trade some of my time for some of your time. I pay rent with my salary, dirty money stays on dirty hands. But the money that I got from me being creative, stays creative.

It has always been used to finance tools to learn and develop my skills.

Thank u if u helped me survive this harsh world. I appreciate being able to be here and think about u and the future.

Now I’ll go and make me a porridge with stolen oat milk from my roomies. Cya!