Panchito‘s Diary

I was asked as a kid once, what kindness is

-when I have two dolls, and I give the one that I don’t like to a person that does not have any doll- was my answer

Why not gift the one that u like? Wouldn’t u give your doll away if u had only one?

That was the moment that I got confronted with kindness. Selflessness, empathy and a lot of other feelings that, are not that common to be taught around, because “first me, then the others” was the standard since I was born.

One of my first memories, when I was 3-4 years old, was seeing how my mom and dad were working in a kiosk, and notice how people had some shiny round things and when they give them to my parents, these people will get sweets!

I was amazed and just took some of those shiny round hard things and went to the kiosk outside to get something sweet too.

When I came back (jumping and singing very happily) I put the 3 chocolates back in the box where I took the shiny (sour tasting) round heavy things and asked if I could have one.

So, if u don’t wanna get sad and mad skip this parragraph;

When I asked, then my mom snitched on my dad, my dad hit me in the face, took the chocolate away, made me come back to the other kiosk, give them back, say sorry to the person working there, say sorry to my mom, who was just a bystander and said nothing about the violence of my dad. Then he told me never to do that again.

why am I telling u this? bare with me.

The coins and chocolate greed were punished verbally, physically and mentally. Because I had not my own coins to spend. I could not give what I don’t have and I should feel bad about it. Was I stealing? I mean yes, as much as a 3 year old kid could steal. Was my dad abusing me, yes, as much as a 40 years old man could hit a 3 years old toddler. Was my mom using silence as violence? yes, as much as a passive not reactionary 40 years old mom could do.

Only if I had a currency, something extra, then I could arrange a transaction, so only if I had a spare doll, I could give it away. Only like that I would not be in danger again.

The fear of my dad of me becoming a robber (and also his fucking violent madness and generational trauma) made him punish me in a way that I could not see transactions as something of need, as something of variable value. But as something written in stone. That if not followed will get u in trouble.

But when I got asked, why wouldn’t give away the best doll, that logic turned my way of thinking around. I don’t wanna replicate what I felt, that needing or wanting something nice and not being able to afford it, should private u of that, and made u feel punished and ashamed.

If I had a doll I would love to give it away, for someone to enjoy it as much as I did. that’s when I learned that kindness is about the others. Is about sharing, sometimes the things that u don’t even have.

Even tho I received and still receive a lot of help of others these last years, I also offered help when I could when I could to the people I could. I know I have no 2 dolls nowadays. but I can offer my company to go out an play (or go steal some dolls from the big store that exploits everyone involved to feed this Neo capitalistic monarchy, or we could cease the production machinery and produce dolls for all children, grown ups, and oldies of this world, even their lovely pets. so then we won’t have the chance to replicate ever again a dad hitting a kid for some candy an some cents)

Thank u to everyone that was and is kind to me. I know im not the best, I mean u just heard how my parents were when I was growing up, I might be fucked up. but everyday I try to be the best version of myself for that day, for you and for me, for us.